Kingdom Farts II
by Scott Lysander
Summary: The highly anticipated sequel to the parody nobody read, chronicling the further adventures of Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag, the triumvirate of total awesome. WARNING: profanity aplenty. You've been warned, kids.
1. Intro and Day 1

**DISCLAIMER:**

So I don't get the pants sued off me and wind up eating three healthy meals of bacteria a day and selling my body to the night and all that, I would like to say, as all fanfiction authors are apparently required to do, that I have no ownership, affiliation, market shares, or even _knowledge _of Square Enix (seriously, Kingdom Hearts? Never _heard _of it). In fact, I don't own _anything, _except your mom, oh snap, what now, etc.

Also, a warning: if you are offended by the occasional racial stereotype (which, trust me, is meant entirely in jest), extreme misogyny (which, trust me, is completely serious in nature), or the occasional blatant homosexuality (which, trust me, you can find plenty of by searching "Axel Roxas" on deviantArt), I suggest you turn back now and return to playing pinochle and shuffleboard with all your other badass friends. No skin off my nose.

**ALSO: **For those of you who would accuse me of being unoriginal with the title, I only ask that you look back at the entries titled "Kingdom Farts" on this site, as you will find that, yes, I submitted the very first "Kingdom Farts"-titled work on . You're welcome to read it, too, I suppose, although looking back on it I find the humor overly juvenile at times and some of the jokes confusing. I was but a wee one when I wrote it, see.

Finally, understand this: This parody is full of humor of the most uncouth, lowbrow type; it is poorly written, incredibly crass, and full of jokes that most people will find pretty tasteless. I have cut corners wherever possible. I have listened to pirated music while working on it. I have discussed the critical plot elements with your mom in bed last night (heyo). This parody exists, in other words only for cheap laughs.

Having said that, let's get some critical acclaim here, shall we?

* * *

**Rave Reviews for **_**Kingdom Farts II**_

"A sure blockbuster. Nothing short of incredible…forget any other books you've ever read, _Kingdom Farts II _completely stomps on them. Like, seriously. Other books had better run."

-Scott Lysander

"Seriously, if you're reading anything else, just stop. It's not going to be anywhere near as good as this. I don't think you understand what we're dealing with here."

-Scott Lysander

"Let's just say if this book were a gay interracial atheist pot-smoking couple, they could both get elected as presidential candidates for the Republican Party. Both of them. At the same time."

-Scott Lysander

"Wow. Just wow…I've never read anything so amazing, and I can barely read. I want to have sex with the author, _right now_."

-Hayden Panettiere

"Holy shit!"

-Mickey Mouse

"After this book, nobody will ever even try to write anything, because they know it won't be nearly as good. And if they try, they'll just get laughed at. You hear me? Laughed at."

-Scott Lysander

"Sly Boogy, that's my name, and I came to run the game, your mom's so cool, the West Coast ain't the same."

-Sly Boogy

* * *

**PROLOGUE: ARGUMENT**

This is the second part in a two-part parody of the acclaimed Square Enix JRPG videogame series _Kingdom Hearts. _For those of you foolish enough to have not read the first parody and basked in my literary genius (or played the first game, in which case it wouldn't make any sense for you to read this or play the second game first, unless you're some kind of twat who's only playing the game because of DISNEY CHARACTERS WOW), this is, simply put, designed to fill you in.

The first _Kingdom Farts _details the adventures of Sore, a relatively normal 14-year-old who is content to spend his days frolicking around his favorite island, playing with his friends, and eating Beggin' Strips 3 meals a day. Things are looking as dull as they can be when one day Sore is mysteriously transported in a dream to a realm of darkness in which he gains great power and fights off the forces of evil and blah blah blah.

I'm not getting paid for this, so I'm just cutting to the chase here.

Sore ultimately finds himself on a quest to find his two friends, Diku and Kylie. Diku is something of an older brother figure to Sore, a friend/rival who will lend Sore money one moment and then beat seven shades of shit out of him the next simply because Sore hasn't complimented him on his new penny loafers or something. Kylie is the romantic interest, though she shows about as much interest in Sore as the Amish do in a tesla coil. Regardless, the seeds of love that may or may not have been blooming are utterly annihilated when Kylie gets transported through a wormhole to God knows where.

Oh, there's also a dildo.

"What's that?" you say. "A dildo?"

"Yes," I respond, smirking smugly as I step out of my Lamborghini and pull off my shades, "A dildo." Sore is magically granted with the power of a giant, sword-length, steel artificial penis to ward off Fartless foes. And Fartless foes run aplenty, for no sooner does Sore find himself in the world of Trap-Hers Town than swarms of Fartless began to accost him and claw at him and ask him for sexual favors. Fortunately, he is saved by Final Fantasy characters.

After finding out some stuff about he's been chosen by the powers that be to wield the dildo and plug up the anuses (ani?) of the world and such, Sore sets out, accompanied by Ronald Buck, a short-tempered magician under the employ of the mysterious King Mackey, and Goofy, a.k.a. the original numba one stunna and captain of the King's Royal Guard (and I'm referring to the office, not the Devil May Cry 3 combat style, though seeing Goofbag do flips and dodges off the wall would admittedly be pretty sweet). Together, the three set out for other worlds to find their friends and vanquish evil.

But it turns out vanquishing evil is not their strong suit. The details of the visits Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag pay to the Disney-themed worlds are rather inconsequential here, but suffice it to say that, for the most part, they leave the worlds in much worse condition than they found them. Fortunately, they appear to be the only ones who know anything of outer space travel, so this has no repercussions whatsoever. Also, nobody wonders why Ronald is able to talk. _Nobody_.

After many twists and turns in the road, they finally come upon Sore's friends at Empty Stronghold, a cold, menacing place in which Sore finds Diku completely twisted by the forces of evil (i.e. voting Republican) and Kylie in a comatose state (i.e. trying not to scratch her nose when the camera pans over her body). Through some very scholarly research consisting of lots of shouting, Sore discovers Diku has been possessed by Billy Zane, also known as Pantsem, a mysterious seeker of darkness who wants to flush the entire universe down the toilet of misguidance, through the drain of fear and the pipes of anger and hatred to end up in the septic tank of supreme darkness. This, of course, is not gonna fly with Sore and crew, so they rescue Kylie, deport her off to a safehouse in Africa, and return to Final Boss World to finish off Diku/Pantsem once and for all. A rather boorish battle follows in which Pantsem rants for hours on the nature of darkness and Sore takes a few swipes at him between smoke breaks. Finally, though, the enemy is vanquished and forced to file for bankruptcy, and Diku is released from his mental prison.

Unfortunately, he winds up in some sort of alternate dimension with Mackey in which darkness is the _soup du jour _and spending extended amounts of time there leads to much anguish, fear, and congestive heart failure. The parody ends with Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag charging off to the middle of nowhere in search of Diku and King Mackey and the final area of the game serving as the setting for a very nonsensical battle between a bunch of random videogame characters, including Volt Krueger. (That's how all books should end, really.)

You may think, dear reader, that this leads to our starting point, but you are wrong, you weak-minded fool. For there is a long sequence of events between the end of the first storyline and the start of the upcoming one, captured in some game for Nintendo DS that I won't ever play because I refuse to own a DS. PlayStation high 'til I die and all that. But I did a little research (skimmed over the script) and decided that the events of _Kingdom Farts: Adventures in Alzheimer's _(as I like to call it) might help elucidate the nonsense of the second game. So here, as I understand it, is what occurs:

Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag are having a dick-waving contest out in the middle of nowhere when they stumble upon Castle Bolivian, a behemoth of a fortress that houses the members of a very spooky, very secret organization that reveals all its plans and secrets to the player in cutscenes. As it turns out, though, the organization is not very organized, for the three soon find themselves accosted by a group of rebels led by a pink-haired transsexual with a weird thing for flowers who seek to overthrow the leaders of their organization and need the power of the dildo for it or something. Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag are able to take down the members of this rebel faction by playing cards. There's also some stuff about a red-haired guy named Axel, but nobody cares.

At some point throughout their journey, they encounter a blonde-haired girl whom Sore is just getting ready to proposition when she starts babbling about how their memories are being tampered with and how Diku has a clone and how she got an A PLUS IN ART SCHOOL and all sorts of stuff. So they tell her to fuck off and go on their merry way.

(As a side note, I'm not sure what Diku was doing during all of this, but records indicate that he toured briefly with Linkin Park, so it can't be all that important.)

Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag defeat the transsexual leader and are just getting ready to pop out the gin and juice when the blonde-haired girl abruptly appears again and vengefully throws them into cryogenic freezing chambers, erases all their memories of the incident, and effectively negates anything that ever happened. (This young girl would go on to a lucrative career at the Umbrella Corporation.) She sets the egg timer at one year and wanders off to play hopelessly long games of Parcheesi with other soulless beings like herself.

But our story does not begin there. At the opening of our tale, Sore, Ronald, and Goofbag remain suspended in a deep sleep, floating in the thick mucus of the girl's egg-chambers and growing extra limbs and eyeballs, waiting to be awakened.

Our story begins with Roxxorz.

* * *

**The First Day: Ghost Face Killa**

_A scattered dream that's like a far-off memory. _

_A far-off memory that's like a scattered dream._

_HOHO. I'M CLEVER. Wasn't that clever, Maaloxia?_

_Shut it, Sore. I hate you. I hate everything._

_Is it that time of month for you? I'm sorry if you're having some heavy flow._

_I'm not a girl, YOU are!_

_NO I'M NOT!_

_SHUT UP!_

_YOU STINK!_

_YOU'RE A POO-POO SNIFFER!_

_YOU'RE A DOODOO FART!_

"Wow, I've never dreamed ONLY in WORDS before," Roxxorz commented loudly as he awoke.

_Hush, child, _responded the ubiquitous unseen narrator voice. _We're on a tight budget again._

Roxxorz leapt out of his bed and stomped over to the window, furiously throwing the shutters open to a serene, small-town landscape. The sky was a light blue shade, and the sun hung suspended in the east, a motionless orb in the about-10-in-the-morning air. It was always about 10 in the morning in this town, hence its name, "About-10-in-the-Morning Town." As for why it was always about 10 in the morning, no one knew exactly why.

(Actually, several years prior one scientist had discovered that this quotidian anomaly was due to a strange and wholly remarkable coincidence involving the planet's axis orientation and its rotation around the sun, but this went against the local belief that the sun was, in fact, a giant baby, and so they laughed at his "scientific" nonsense and dismissed him as a greasy-haired freak who liked the cock. Embittered by rejection, the scientist eventually left to begin a lucrative career at a small, far-away, little-known and probably not very important company known as Shinra.)

Roxxorz sighed and leaned out the window, his eyes clouding with a distant, homosexual look.

"Another dream about him..."

An egg smashed into his face. Roxxorz reeled from the impact, slimy yolk and flakes of shell flying all over his face. Wiping the dripping would-be chicken out of his eyes, he looked down at the street to see his arch-nemesis Cypher sprinting away laughing.

"ROXXORZ LIKES BOOOOOYS!" Cypher shouted at the top of his lungs as he rounded a corner and disappeared.

* * *

Roxxorz sat on a very luxurious wooden crate in the Unusual Spot, throwing darts at a dartboard while his three friends, Hater, Pencil, and Omelet sat conversing nearby.

"Man, doesn't that tick you off?" Hater asked.

"YEAH, NIGGA!" cried Pencil, throwing up random gang signs. "DAS WHACK!"

"What the hell does 'quotidian anomaly' mean, anyway?" asked Omelet, glancing up at the parenthesized paragraph above.

Hater jumped off of his seat, narrowly avoiding a stray dart from Roxxorz, and began to pace the room.

"I mean, yeah, more things have been getting stolen around town," he said, pausing in front of the 60-inch plasma-screen TV that had mysteriously appeared in the Unusual Spot along with many other expensive items not too long ago.

"And MO NIGGAZ is JOININ GANGZ," Pencil added, hastily stuffing his "JOIN DOG STREET NIGGAZ" flyers in a nearby drawer.

"And half the city's been burned to the ground by arsonists," observed Omelet, absent-mindedly flicking a lighter.

"But why does everybody blame this on us!?" Hater cried.

They all turned toward Roxxorz, waiting for his input.

Roxxorz hesitated for a moment, and then whipped out his dick and started waving it around, grinning like a maniac.

"God damn it," Hater muttered as Omelet screamed and Pencil fell against the wall, convulsing in utter horror.

* * *

Later that day (at about 10 in the morning), the four were walking through the Mudlot, a filthy bed of filth-encrusted filth that served as the center of the town, and things were looking pretty damn dull until they were suddenly accosted by Cypher and his posse.

"Look!" Roxxorz cried. "Cypher and his posse!"

Hater stepped forward and leered at Cypher. Cypher leered back appropriately, crossing his arms. Things were getting so leery that Roxxorz expected Timothy Leary to jump out at any moment and start doing a bunch of drugs.

Resisting the urge to kill the author for such a bad pun, Hater puffed out his chest and said, "What do you want, Cypher?"

"**YOU FAGGOTS GOT SOME ID ON YOU**" Cypher screamed at a really quite unnecessarily loud volume.

"SCREW YOU, NIGGA!" retorted Pencil cleverly as Hater's ears began to bleed.

"**OH YOU DON'T DO YOU**" Cypher shouted, his face red and his eyes bulging from screaming so goddamn loud. "**WELL THAT'S TOO BAD FAGGOTS I GUESS ME AND MY POSSE WILL HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE STATION**"

"Like, ohmi_gawd, _Cypher," lisped the burly Latino to his left, throwing a hand down in an incredibly gay gesture. "That would be so _hawt. _Can I, like, put them in handcuffs?"

"Handcuffs," muttered the creepy pale girl to his right.

"This is getting dumb," sighed Omelet as Hater and Cypher began thumb-wrestling. "I could've sworn this scene wasn't nearly as tedious in the game…"

Roxxorz crossed his arms in thought for a moment and then said, quite cleverly, "Penis."

* * *

Several hours later, Hater and Cypher had agreed to settle their differences via a few friendly rounds of _Street Fighter 2, _and thus the four were walking back to the Unusual Spot to grab the SNES.

"**GOD I WANT TO**—(cough) God, I want to break his face in," Hater said, cracking his knuckles as they entered the Spot.

"Don't let him get to you," Omelet said as she walked over to the SNES. "He can just b—huh!?"

They turned to see Omelet standing above the SNES looking confused.

"The game…it's gone!"

"Aw, SHIT!" hollered Pencil. "MAN I WANTED TO BE THAT BRAZILIAN NIGGA BLANKA! HE REPRESENTS THE OPPRESSED NIGGAZ OF SOUF AMURRICA!"

"No, I'm sure it's here somewhere," Hater said. "Maybe Roxxorz put it in his pants again to create the illusion of having a visible penis."

"Hey!" Roxxorz cried.

But before anyone could speak further, a strange white creature slithered out from under the sofa.

"Look! In its mouth!" Roxxorz cried, gesturing toward the apparition which was rolling around and making all sorts of inappropriate gestures. In its mouth was a game cartridge.

"Quick, grab it!" Hater cried.

Roxxorz leapt forward to grab the creature. The thing slipped out of his grip, moaning sensually and slinking out the door. Roxxorz jumped up, pushing Pencil's fat ass out of the way as he pursued the creature.

* * *

After a rather unexciting chase that needs no describing, Roxxorz had the beast cornered.

"I have the beast cornered!" he announced triumphantly, raising his weapon over his head and ready to kill—that is, until he realized he did not, in fact, have a weapon.

"Well, fuck," he muttered as the creature slithered toward him.

_We have come for you, my liege, _an unseen voice said.

"Hey!" Roxxorz cried as the creature began to devour his leg. "I think it called me "liege!" I'm royalty, bitches!"

But at that moment, he felt a strange chill, and with a flash he found in his hands, a long, sword-length, stainless-steel…

"Dildo!?" Roxxorz cried, waving the artificial penis about. In doing so, he accidentally prodded the creature, which proceeded to burst into thousands of tiny little razor blades. As soon as this had happened, the dildo disappeared.

"The plot thickens!" Roxxorz cried, grabbing the battered game cartridge and scrambling away.

"_So, remind me again why you had him placed in a giant egg?"_

"_Castle Bolivian was a place not meant to exist…he saw things there…_terrible _things…in fact, by the end of it he was hollering about pink-haired cross-dressers and ridiculously long games of poker."_

"_Sounds unpleasant."_

"_Indeed. But now we must make haste. Disorganization miscreants...they've found us. Now they'll try to swindle all our stolen student loans! "_

"_That little blonde bitch better hurry her cute ass up..."_

TO BE CONTINUED...IT GETS BETTER, I SWEAR...


	2. Day 2

**The Second Day: Inspectah Deck**

* * *

"_They'll keep coming at you no matter what, so long as you wield the Dildo."_

"_Huh?" _

"_And since you wield the Dildo, they'll keep coming at you no matter what. Now, let's see it."_

"_What, the dildo?"_

"_No, your mom's bra size. Of COURSE the dildo, you dipshit."_

"_Hey, that wasn't even in the original parody! You can't say that!"_

"_But why? Why did the Dildo choose a kid like you?"_

"_Yeah. Usually it picks skanks, wiggers, and Geraldo Rivera, none of whom really know how to use it."_

* * *

Roxxorz awoke to find himself back in his bed. He sat up and scratched his head.

"...what's with this dildo?"

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "What's next, whales in space and small, talking dragons?"

* * *

Roxxorz was on his way to the Unusual Spot when he spied a stick against the wall. He picked it up balanced it on his palm, ran his hand over the wood, studying it carefully. "Every part of this stick has been expertly crafted and customized!" he muttered wondrously, shortly before tossing it behind him carelessly and continuing on.

He stopped when he heard a loud SPLORT noise. Turning, he saw he had accidentally struck a cloaked person in the chest with the stick, and now the person was bleeding profusely.

"Oh...sorry...about that," he said. Apparently unnerved, the person turned and strolled down the steps, a small river of blood in his wake

Thoroughly confused by the last few pages of the parody, Roxxorz made his way to the Unusual Spot. As he entered, Pencil tossed him a fresh-water ice cream bar. Roxxorz nimbly caught it and began to consume it, savoring the completely flavorless popsicle.

"Man, this is a drag," Hater sighed. "We haven't even been anywhere all summer, and punting moogles and tossing black people on the train tracks has gotten old. Let's _go _somewhere."

"Skate park?" suggested Omelet.

"Nah."

"Yo momma's hizzy?" suggested Pencil.

"Har har, fuck you, no."

"That mysterious mansion on the other side of town where something critical to the plot will probably end up happening which may or may not result in my untimely demise?" suggested Roxxorz.

Hater shook his head. "No, let's go to…the beach."

Roxxorz smirked. "What, want to get Omelet into a bikini?"

"More like Pencil in a Speedo," Omelet said.

As Hater and Roxxorz began to vomit everywhere, Pencil dug in his pockets and said, "Mayne, I only got like TREE FIDDY. How we gon' get to da BEACH?"

"I've got eight…no, nine munny," Omelet said, counting out coins. "What about you guys?"

Roxxorz laughed, struck a pose, and said, "With a body like this, I'm priceless, baby!"

"You are SO GAY," Hater sighed. "Look, we're getting to the beach, and you three cunts are earning all the money for me. Now get going."

* * *

Some time later, they met up in front of the station.

"Okay, what've we got?" said Hater after they had all compiled their earnings together.

"Well let's see…" said Omelet, emptying her pockets. "…16 munny, three Werther's Originals, and a condom Hater stole from some old guy."

"PERFECT!" Hater cried. "Let's go!"

But before Roxxorz could follow, he suddenly felt an unseen presence knock him down. Looking up, he saw the same cloaked figure from earlier that day!!Omg!!

The cloaked figure pulled Roxxorz up and whispered something to him in an arcane language. (According to Roxxorz's later account, he had said, "Do be do be do.")

"…no hablo," Roxxorz said.

The stranger then abruptly grabbed Roxxorz by his collar and quite gracefully flung him over the edge of the station, which, the author had somehow forgotten to mention, was conveniently located on the edge of a precipitous cliff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Roxxorz announced as he plummeted thousands of feet to the ground.

* * *

"_So you couldn't just make a beach? I mean, it's not hard, right? It's just sand, water, fish, gulls, bums, frat-boys, sluts, and creepy old men who look like Jack Nicholson."_

"_It would give the enemy another entry point…besides, I don't know about you, but I REALLY_ _don't want to see that fat kid in a Speedo."_

"_Agreed. But seriously, man, you've been sitting at that computer wanking for days now. How much longer will this take?"_

"_Not long. His memories are returning…his mind is growing clearer…he's beginning to believe…soon, he will have his first period…"_

"_Dude, not cool. Just hurry up and order the pizza. I'm starving."_

TO BE CONTINUED...AGAIN...


	3. DOUBLE FEATURE: Day 3 AND 4

**The Third Day: Ol' Dirty Bastard**

* * *

"_Look, guys! I found a...a..."_

"_A fork?"_

"_A fork! Cool!"_

"_Yeah, sure. Look, um, can you help us find—"_

"_More treasure? Sure! Let me go find some..."_

"_Oh, well..."_

"_What was that?"_

"_Sounds like a big shark that's about to burst through the window!"_

"_Very keen."_

* * *

"There sure are a lot of italics in this part," Roxxorz noted as he awoke

He staggered out the door onto the street and was stumbling around drunkenly when he rounded a corner and saw Omelet and Pencil approaching.

As they approached, Pencil leapt up in the air and shouted, "GOOD MORNING, MAH NIGG—"

With an audible ZOOP, the two suddenly froze, Pencil suspended in mid-air, his face twisted like a cat in heat undergoing a neutering process.

"Wha!?" Roxxorz began running toward them, but with a loud POOF a petit blonde girl abruptly materialized in front of him, blocking his path. He slammed on the brakes, flailing wildly to stop from running into her.

"Hello, Roxxorz," she said warmly. She wore a white dress and had a strangely familiar face…no foreshadowing here or anything…no ominous music, either…

Roxxorz stared at her. "Who are y—"

The girl held up a hand to silence him. When he tried to talk again, she smacked him on the head.

"I wanted to meet you at least once," she snapped, "But if I'd known you'd be so damn talky I wouldn't have come. Now hush."

"You wanted...to…meet…me?" Roxxorz said, frowning and drooling slightly.

"Yeah." She smiled. "All right, later!"

"H-hey! Wait!"

But she spun around, clapped her hands, snapped her fingers, winked, nodded her head, cracked her knuckles, punched herself in the jaw, performed the sign language for "bitches ain't shit," did a back flip, did a tail grab, did a misty, and disappeared in a poof of logic.

"Roxxorz!"

Roxxorz jumped as Omelet shook him on the shoulder. He quickly wiped the drool off of his face.

"What you starin' at, boy?" Pencil said, whacking him on the head. "You like you wunna them ZOMBIES or somethin'."

"Sorry," he said. "Just...thought I saw something."

Pencil did his "das-whack" expression. "What, you mean like wunna dem GHOSTS? Mayne, dat shit CRAZY."

"No…I wonder…where…she…went?" Roxxorz said distantly, wandering past them and looking at nothing in particular.

As he caressed the brick wall lovingly, humming to himself, Omelet looked at Pencil. "You didn't slip anything in his fresh-water ice cream again, did you?"

"HELL naw!" hollered Pencil. "Dat was sum funny shit, but afta he started talkin' to Hater about adoptin a BABY and movin to fuggin' CAMBODIA, it got kinda WEIRD, nigga…"

Omelet shuddered. "Don't remind me…"

* * *

**The Fourth Day: Raekwon**

* * *

Roxxorz opened his eyes and looked about bewilderedly. He found himself standing on a stain-glass tower, an island of light surrounded by thick, endless darkness. The stain-glass floor on which he stood depicted a chilled-out, dildo-wielding boy who bore an uncanny resemblance to Roxxorz…except gayer.

"Hey!" Sore would have cried if he weren't locked inside a giant egg.

Roxxorz stepped forward and saw a bright light before him. He frowned. "Didn't Sore already go through this in the first game?" he mumbled.

_Oh, you don't LIKE it, huh!? _the unseen voice growled. _Well, let's see how you like THIS!_

Roxxorz turned and found himself greeted by a hulking, ferocious-looking white creature with a number of floppy, penis-like appendages protruding from its torso. On the creature's chest was branded a strange symbol that resembled, of all things, a razor blade…the sign of the Emobodies.

"Jesus," Roxxorz sighed as the giant Emobody promptly fell on him and crushed him to death.

* * *

"_What the FUCK was that!?"_

"_Awesome, that's what it was. And they told me my tentacle-monster designs were sub-par…"_

"_Whatever, man. What about the girl?"_

"_She has disobeyed us. That was a grave transgression she performed yesterday. Punish her accordingly…ha…ha, ha…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA."_

"_That was mildly intimidating."_

"_Thank you. I try."_

* * *

Roxxorz bolted up in his bed, sweating profusely. He looked around, but there was no darkness, no crazy giant creatures to attack him…just his room, and a bunch of Mexicans huddled in the corner glaring at him. In other words, nothing out of the ordinary.

He sighed and laid back down, rubbing his eyes. "So many dreams…"

He bolted up again, causing the Mexicans to scatter and jump out the window. "THE TOURNAMENT!" he shouted, remembering the combat-based tournament in which he and Hater were participating today, the details of which the author was too lazy to go back and insert somewhere.

* * *

Roxxorz stumbled out into the Mudlot, brandishing his styrofoam weapon fiercely.

"And HEEEEEEEEEERE'S RRRRRRRRRROXXORZ!" he heard the announcer cry as he made his way to the front of the crowd and climbed up on the platform to be greeted with raucous, jubilant praise in the form of loud shouting and throwing of tomatoes.

"Now, then," the overweight, mustachioed announcer said dramatically, "All the contestants are here, we're finally ready to begin! Let's—"

With an audible ZOOP, everything froze yet again. Roxxorz looked around and was preparing to crack a lame joke about "disc read error" when he turned and saw yet another hooded figure in black.

"You guys sure are persistent," Roxxorz sighed, readying his weapon in preparation for battle.

But the figure made no motion to attack; instead, he stepped forward and removed his hood, revealing a fierce-looking man with intense green eyes and a head of long, spiky red hair.

"Roxxorz?" he said, extending a gloved hand. "It's me…Haxxorz."

Roxxorz stared at him blankly. "…Haxxorz?"

The man's eyes suddenly welled with tears. "It's true… you…you…DON'T REMEMBER," he wailed, falling to his knees and bawling like a woman.

"Hey!" Roxxorz cried, throwing down his weapon and running over to the sobbing man. "Hey, look, I'm sorry…" He knelt and put a hand on Haxxorz's shoulders. "Don't cry…"

Suddenly, Roxxorz saw the glint of metal below him, and he leapt back just as a spiked hubcap missed his stomach by inches. "Jesus!" Roxxorz cried.

Haxxorz grinned maliciously, twirling the hubcap in his hand, and stood. "You always were a sucker for crying men, Roxxorz," he laughed.

"Fuck you!" Roxxorz cried, picking up his weapon.

"Not today, I'm afraid," said Haxxorz. "By now he knows I'm here…"

"_Who _knows?"

Just as he said this, a strange-looking man wrapped in colorful, fruity bandages materialized from nowhere.

"Roxxorz!" the new stranger cried. "This man speaks nonsense! He's from the IRS!"

"I know you are, but what am I?" jeered Haxxorz.

"Silence. fool!" the stranger barked. "Roxxorz, look at me!"

"No, look at me! You know you want me!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"Roxxorz!"

"You'd think the author would be a little more discreet about filler, wouldn't you?"

"Shut UP!" Roxxorz screamed over the voices, clenching his fists. "SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! URGHGHRHHHGHHGHGHHH!" He pounded the ground furiously with both fists, foaming at the mouth.

Then, with a loud FWOOP, Roxxorz looked up and found the men to be gone and saw everyone staring at him.

He grinned sheepishly and stood, rubbing his head. "Heh heh…just, uh, warming up, guys…y'know, punching the ground…better than punching my wife, right? Heh…"

* * *

Several hours and many tasteless penis-related jokes later, Roxxorz had won the tournament, a slew of defeated fighters around his feet.

"Presenting the NEW CHAMPION!" cried the announcer, raising Roxxorz's right arm and nearly ripping it off in the process. "RRRRRRRRRROXXORZ!"

As Roxxorz bowed in acceptance to more excited tomato-throwing and rioting, the announcer continued: "Now then, as champion, Roxxorz will have the opportunity to take on our special guest, the legendary fighter…GIVE IT UP for SELTZERRRRRRRRR!"

Roxxorz turned to regard his new adversary, a heavily scarred, strange-looking man in purple harlequin garb.

Seltzer raised an eyebrow as Roxxorz readied his weapon. "Hey, Roughsex or whatever," he said coolly. "How's about you throw the fight for me?"

"Roxxorz! Focus!" Hater would have called except that he happened to be one of the defeated fighters and thus was in the fetal position on the ground, whispering "Damn you" over and over. So he didn't.

"Let me win, and I'll make it worth your while," Seltzer continued.

"I don't think so," Roxxorz said, tightening his grip on his weapon.

Seltzer's face darkened. "That's too bad," he said. "I'm sure we'd all _hate _to wake up tomorrow and find that our newest champion's house has been burned to the gr—"

"Doof," announced Roxxorz's weapon.

"Skeet," added Roxxorz.

"Ooooogh," noted Seltzer as he slumped over unconscious.

"HOORAY," agreed the crowd.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED...GETTING CLOSER NOW...PATIENCE, CHILDREN...


	4. Day 5

* * *

**The Fifth Day: RZA**

* * *

"_Well, Sore...we meet again. You've always been rivals, you and I. You've always pushed me, as I've always pushed you. But today...it ends! Let the dildo decide...its true master!"_

"_Huh!?"_

"_Un-Benificent was right. You don't have what it takes to save Kylie."_

"_Bu...wha...I...hu...fe...sh…"_

"_You were just the delivery boyEEEEE__**AAAAAGH!"**_

"_Never try to steal a man's dildo."_

* * *

"_If I'm not mistaken, that looks like the Negroid Anti-Dildo 3004."_

"_Yes, a fine model. Crafted using only the flesh of African-Americans."_

* * *

"_Come out and SHOW YOURSELF, Mundus!"_

* * *

"_So what do we do now?" _

"_We fuck the cheerleaders!" _

"_..." _

"_..." _

"_Sore!"_

"_Kylie!"_

"_Dante...I will return...and I will RULE THIS WORLD!"_

* * *

Roxxorz declined to even comment on this dream sequence. Cocky bastard.

* * *

As he entered the Unusual Spot, Roxxorz heard raised voices.

"…don't see _why _we have to waste a day doing it," Hater was saying.

"Because it's homework!" Omelet said sternly, crossing her arms.

"In case you haven't noticed, we're portrayed in this parody has having the collective intelligence of a friggin' 6-year-old!" Hater retorted, gesturing toward Pencil, who was rolling around in burnt popcorn and loudly air-saxophoning the theme song from "Family Matters."

"I'll just sleep with the teacher or something," interjected Roxxorz.

Omelet glowered at him. "What if our teacher's a _guy?"_

"Then YOU sleep with him! Or Hater!"

"Hey, that was only once, and I didn't even know what was going on," Hater said. "And I wrote a formal letter of apology to the Secretary of Defense. And I returned all the orangutans. And—"

"Yeah, yeah, we know," Roxxorz sighed. "Look, let's just do this so I can go to that abandoned mansion and have weird epiphanies and shit."

"NEEEEE NEE NE NEEE NEEEEEE NENENEEE!" agreed Pencil.

* * *

Roxxorz and Pencil stumbled out of the woods and found themselves in a clearing. As their eyes adjusted to the light, they both gasped.

"Gasp!" they cried.

Before them, looming in the 10-in-the-morning air, enclosed by a high wall and locked gate, shrouded in an eerie aura, circled by big, scary crows that did NOT care where they went to the bathroom, and maybe even inhabited by crazy brain-eating zombies and some girl known only as "the Master of Unlocking," stood a mansion.

"This is IT, nigga," Pencil said breathlessly, "The SEVENTH MOTHAFUCKIN WONDA of 10-in-the-Morning Town…"

It was Roxxorz's opinion that the seven wonders probably had less to do with creepy mansions and more to do with Hater's mom (oh snap, what now), but before he could speak, he heard a strange voice.

"Roxxorz…"

Roxxorz looked around. "Huh?"

"_Roxxorz…I am your father…wait, shit, I got my scripts messed up…"_

"Who's there?"

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT

A sharp pain seared through Roxxor's head, and he fell to his knees.

"Roxxorz!"

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT

Roxxorz rolled around in pain. "Ungh…ungh…"

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZCCRKCEKRKERKCRACKALACKFRCELEKRZZRKCZKZCZKCZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZZzZZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZZzZZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* * *

Roxxorz opened his eyes and found himself in a completely white room. He heard a noise and turned to see none other than Eric Clapton, wailing on a guitar and singing loudly:

"IN THE WHITE ROOM, WITH BLACK CURTAINS, NEAR THE STATION!"

Ha, ha! No, seriously, he turned to see none other than the familiar blonde girl from earlier sitting at the end of a long white table.

"Who…who are you?" Roxxorz said, stepping forward and nearly running into the all-white table.

She smiled at him. "My name…is Nominee."

"Nominee for what? Creepiest bitch in the land?"

Nominee scowled. "Jeez, strong words coming from a guy having a gay love affair with an androgynous fire-crotch. Have you _seen _the stuff written about you two on this website? Nobody can even get a word in edgewise over the roughly 8 million submissions a day of AxelSoraRoxasRiku love-quadrangles."

Roxxorz was coming up with a clever retort when he noticed some shitty stick-figure drawings tacked up on the wall.

"Are those yours?" he laughed.

"Yes," Nominee said. "I was born with a disorder that allow me to draw things that have no relation to this game whatsoever and only make sense if you've played the Gameboy Advance game, entitled 'Kingdom Hearts: Adventures in Alzheimer's,' which you can pick up today for—"

"Yeah, yeah," Roxxorz said. "Look, are we going to fuck or what?"

But before Nominee could answer, the center of the table abruptly melted as a swirling pool of boiling hot tar materialized, out of which emerged yet another black-hooded figure, the weird guy with fruity bandages from earlier, and Rikimaru, the stealth ninja from the acclaimed _Tenchu _series of videogames.

"That's enough, Nominee!" said the bandaged-up guy, grabbing her arm. "You're coming to Taco Bell with us!"

"No!" Nominee cried. "He has a right to know! And I _hate _Taco Bell!"

"Know what?" Roxxorz said, arching an eyebrow.

"But you know we _need _you!" the bandaged man replied. "You're the only one who can go through the drive-through without us getting the cops called on us!"

"Know _what?" _Roxxorz said again, louder this time.

"I only have a _permit _right now!" Nominee cried. "If we ever get pulled over, we're probably screwed! It's not like you guys have IDs or—"

"_KNOW WHAT?" _Roxxorz screamed.

"THAT YOU'RE AN EMOBODY!" the bandaged man cried.

A silence fell over the room, except, of course, for Rikimaru, who was ripping up the crappy drawings and cackling as he threw them up into the air like confetti.

"I'm an…Emobody?" Roxxorz said.

"That's enough! You know too much!" cried the bandaged man. "Come, we're leaving!"

"Roxxorz!" cried Nominee as they dragged her toward the bubbling tar portal.

"Wait!" Roxxorz cried, running forward. But the hooded figure deftly clotheslined him, sending him sprawling. The last thing he saw was Nominee reaching out to him, surrounded by murky darkness…and also Rikimaru flashing his genitalia and giggling like a maniac.

Then there was blackness.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED...BUM BUM **BUUUUUUUM!**


End file.
